a letter to my mom

I think I finally get it. I am twelve years into it and I am finally starting to understand what you went through. Being a mom is difficult. Next to being a wife, I think it is the most difficult thing I will do in my life. I remember being at a grocery store with you when I was about five years old and calling your name to tell you something. You told me you had changed your name and wasn't going to tell me what it was. I remember getting my feelings hurt and also feeling embarrassed in front of the cashier but now? I get it. I have experienced the non stop 'Mom' to the point where I can't even hold a thought in my head and all I want is quiet. Then there are the days when Avery and I are driving around and all I want is for him to talk to me! I understand how you felt walking in the door, tired from the stresses of your job, and being rushed by whining, complaining, demands, and commands from me. Wanting only to find a hole to crawl in but instead starting on your second work shift of housekeeper, personal driver, pulse machine, sounding board, and chef. I know what it feels like to wear your heart on the outside of your chest. Feeling it swell with pride but also fall to the bottom of your stomach with sadness. I struggle with the balance, as you must have, to give them everything while wanting them to be appreciative. And no matter how hard I try during the day, I always replay at night how I could have been better. I know you did the same. And even today you talk about the regrets you have but mom! I now know it was a difficult job. And all I can do is hope that one day Avery and Brianna will get it too!

~Steph