marriage is difficult - part two

I Googled divorce rates in the US and checked out a couple of sites that listed the rate at about 50%. The US also leads all other countries with the highest rate as well. The site religioustolerance.org came up in my search that provided the highlights of a study done by Barna Research Group which reviewed divorce rates within the US based on religion, age and region. The site stated the US divorce rate is going down slightly due to Americans waiting later in life to marry and also said the saying - A couple who prays together, stays together - is not so true. Christians actually had a higher divorce rate according to this study. Jews came in next and (ah-hem) atheists/agnostics where at the bottom of the list with the lowest percent.

So the reason I am starting out with all this, is to say maybe we need to take another look at how our society prepares our kids for marriage, our views on what makes it work, and the support needed during the marriage. It is obvious that a person's faith and religion is not going to cut it because if it was, the rate would not be so high. It is not enough to lay down these faith based rules of waiting until you get married, don't move in until after the wedding, and when things get crappy, just stick it out because that's what God wants you to do.

I think it starts with teaching our kids that relationships can be challenging sometimes. You must work at them. You will not go off into the forest, sing to the birds and have Prince Charming sweep you off your feet. And even if you are fortunate enough to find your perfect match in life, there is still work involved. I think we should have required classes for newly engaged couples that prepare them for the realities of marriage and give them tools to use when things are not so easy. And I think we should have a similar thing available when a couple is considering divorce. Because, as we can see with the high divorce rate, the church and the community are not doing enough to help couples stay together. I wish I would have had that kind of support around me when Troy and I were having problems.

Last week Pastor Shook described marriage as more like two screwed up people being given a box of broken pieces and asked to make something beautiful. Troy and I both mentioned the quote later in the day because it really spoke to both of us. I mean, seriously, how many people pat the groom on the back and say - "There will be days when your new wife will be unimaginably moody and whiny about every little thing. Even on the best of days, she will still get on your nerves so Good Luck!" Or someone to the bride - "Take all of your new husband's little quirks and multiply them by 10. And even on the best of days, he will still slightly annoy you so Good Luck!" But I think we should get real about it for the sake of our communities and the kids growing up without both of their parents.

~Steph

marriage is difficult - part one

Marriage is difficult. I wish I had learned that before I was 31. It would have saved a lot of stress, pain, and money. Ironically, I figured out how difficult marriage is while I was divorced and single. Fortunately, I was able to hit a really big do-over button and have another chance at it but I know some people come to the same realization and either have too much pride to say 'oops!' or they don't even have that opportunity available to them.

I knew my mom and step-dad got in arguments because I could tell when my mom was angry with him; however, I don't remember ever really seeing them have a disagreement and work through it. I think this is important for kids to see. Given mine and Troy's interesting past, Brianna is very sensitive to our disagreements. When she sees us seriously discussing things she will say that we are going to break up again. It makes me sad to see she is still insecure with our somewhat still new situation but I think it will really be beneficial for her later in life. She will know that married couples disagree, argue, and sometimes drive each other mad but things are still OK. I hope that over the years, Troy and I will be able to give her the skills to know she will have difficult times in her marriage (or whatever) but that doesn't mean all is lost. I also hope Avery will learn from us as well. I hope he is able to find his way to be a strong person, not afraid to do what it takes for his family, especially in a society where that is not seen as very sexy.

My biggest downfall with mine and Troy's relationship (part I) was thinking that if I was with the right person and the marriage was a good one, things would be easy. And when things were not easy, I went into a spiral of thoughts that I had made a mistake, or Troy was not the right person, or the marriage was just over. I call this the Disney Lie. Troy's downfall was the idea of finding a person he could easily put up on a pedestal and that is where she would stay. So when he realized this woman he married was not only smart, pretty, and funny but also extremely shy, annoyingly stubborn, and insecure with a touch of laziness, he was a bit disappointed! Our marriage became a cycle of me not meeting his unrealistic expectations and me thinking our marriage was as good as doomed at every moment of slight discomfort. Nice.


~Steph

origin of species & moral judgement

NPR did a story on the impact magnets have on moral judgement. Participants were asked two different questions regarding a moral situation: one story where the person intended to cause harm and the other were the harm was caused unintentionally. As you can imagine the participants included the intent of the person when placing blame. So if I purposely hit you with my car but you survive, you would most likely say I was horrible compared to me accidentally hitting you with my car and you die. Any way, the researchers received expected responses from the participants. However, these responses changed when a magnetic pulse was applied to a part of the brain located near the right ear. This part of the brain is responsible for understanding other's intentions. So, when this was done while the participants listen to the story, they were more likely to ignore intention and focus on the end result. I was fascinated with this story as it simplifies moral judgement down to a small part of your brain! Not your ethical standing. Not your environment. Not your spirituality or religious beliefs.

And now onto the supercollider! In Geneva they will start smashing tiny particles into each other at unbelievable speeds creating mind-dumbing amounts of energy. What this does is take these tiny particles and turn them into even tinier particles which will allow scientists to study the universe in a way never done before. When in full use, scientists will be able to basically study the big bang theory in a lab setting. And if all goes as is hoped, they might even get down to the so-called god particle which is what is said to have allowed matter to come from energy of the big bang.

Just think! With these two scientific experiments, we might have real answers to questions of our origin and our moral standings and maybe will stop relying on stories that were created thousands and thousands of years ago to help explain the unknown.


~Steph

leaves times infinity

Out of curiosity I signed up for a month membership to ancestry.com. Four hours later I was back in the late 1600’s and stumbled on Scotland. My eyes were burning from staring at the computer screen so long but that site is from the devil! I type in a family member’s name and then search for records. Next thing I know, I am looking at birth records, social security death information and census reports. After attaching all this stuff to my family member I can go back to my tree and little leaves appear in the corner of their name. This means the site has found even more information about this person. Sometimes the site has linked your family member to someone in another person’s tree. Now I can go there and find their parents and spouse to add to my tree. Family member, search, little green leaf, another family member, search, little green leaf, yet another family member, search, little green leaf …. The leaves became rather annoying but I couldn’t stop clicking on them. I went so far out on some of my branches I started thinking it is kind of pointless since I will never know anything about these people besides a meaningless name and birth & death information. But these meaningless people kept me up way too late, even after I turned off the computer. I kept thinking of the lives they probably lived, difficult lives. I wondered what things they believe that have long since been disproved. A couple of women have the same year of death as the birth year of their child. I can’t imagine living in a society where the number one risk to a woman’s life is to give birth. (Although, sadly, this is still the case in undeveloped counties.) And while I have all these people in my head, who could never understand that one day I would look at their US census report from 1850, I can’t help but wonder what will my name be on someday? And who will be looking at it? I wonder if thoughts of what my life might have been like will keep them up at night.



~Steph

a letter to my mom

I think I finally get it. I am twelve years into it and I am finally starting to understand what you went through. Being a mom is difficult. Next to being a wife, I think it is the most difficult thing I will do in my life. I remember being at a grocery store with you when I was about five years old and calling your name to tell you something. You told me you had changed your name and wasn't going to tell me what it was. I remember getting my feelings hurt and also feeling embarrassed in front of the cashier but now? I get it. I have experienced the non stop 'Mom' to the point where I can't even hold a thought in my head and all I want is quiet. Then there are the days when Avery and I are driving around and all I want is for him to talk to me! I understand how you felt walking in the door, tired from the stresses of your job, and being rushed by whining, complaining, demands, and commands from me. Wanting only to find a hole to crawl in but instead starting on your second work shift of housekeeper, personal driver, pulse machine, sounding board, and chef. I know what it feels like to wear your heart on the outside of your chest. Feeling it swell with pride but also fall to the bottom of your stomach with sadness. I struggle with the balance, as you must have, to give them everything while wanting them to be appreciative. And no matter how hard I try during the day, I always replay at night how I could have been better. I know you did the same. And even today you talk about the regrets you have but mom! I now know it was a difficult job. And all I can do is hope that one day Avery and Brianna will get it too!

~Steph